New Book Out

I have a new book out! Before anyone gets too excited, it's poetry and right now it's on Amazon for kindle only. But it will be available on other ebook outlets soon, and it should be out in paperback in maybe a week. Check it out!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07R8FKW6T/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_y3iXCbM458GC3

An Update

In answer to a question, yes, I am still writing. It has not been going well. In large part that’s because I’m still not over the death of my daughter. People say I should not let that paralyze me me and it’s not, but it certainly has been slowing me down and making work very difficult. I’m not giving up, though.  I know people want fiction and I still want to deliver it. I plan on delivering it but something may come first. That something is a poetry book. I know, I know, it’s not the same thing as fiction but poetry can be not only beautiful and emotionally touching but intellectually accessible as well. At least, so they say, and that's my experience. And poetry can be fun. I’ve been told mine can be. So the poetry will probably come first and then the fiction.  Soon, I hope. Stay tuned.

My New “Job”

This summer I have had a very demanding new part-time job. It wasn’t one I wanted but there’s no turning it down. The job is going to doctors.  My husband’s been sick, I’ve been sick, even the cats. Illness and injury and “conditions.” One thing after another. I just got back from a bunch of x-rays today, never mind what happened. Not my idea of a good time. I figured it was because I’m “getting older” but I’ve heard from people much younger that they have been going through similar things. Stuff happens, so they say. Doctors, doctors, and more doctors. What would we do without ‘em? But those appointments can sure be a time vortex.

What has all of this meant for my writing? Well, let’s say it hasn’t been good. Progress has been slow and unsteady. As someone recently told me, though, “Stop making excuses.” Well, we’re not talking excuses here but I know what she meant. I intend to do better.  I plan on getting to work as soon as I get back from the vet where I’m taking a cat for her rabies booster.

Just Do It

This past year since my daughter died has been very difficult for me. I haven’t been able to work, or at least, I haven’t been able to write. I finally pulled myself sufficiently together to get a new book of poetry in order, “The Seasons of Forever,” a book I’m dedicating to Anne’s memory. It’s published and available now. It’s not  yet in paper, only in digital editions, but you can pick your preferred seller and e-book format from here: https://www.books2read.com/u/bWZq90  

So I have a book of poetry for Anne.  It’s a start. I still have a problem with fiction, though. I’ve been thinking about this, since the next installment of the Tiger Lily series is seriously overdue. I have significant plot changes to make, among other things. I was stewing about this as I lay in bed last night trying to sleep. I kept thinking about Anne, the new book, and then Anne again. I finally did fall asleep but apparently my subconscious was not ready to let go of the problem. I snapped awake from a doze, hearing Anne’s voice. She had that slightly exasperated tone that adult children (and yes, teens, which is where I think they perfect it) can use with their parents. “Mom! Just do it, Mom!” I’m going to try to take that advice.

It Took Long Enough

My book of poetry, "Welcome to Wilderness: poems" came out in e-format in 2015 on Amazon and iBooks.  I have been wanting it out in paperback ever since. Finally, I got it. If you want to look at it, both formats are available on Amazon: http://a.co/4AhQHo9. The paperback should be available through most bookstores, although you will probably have to ask them to order it (hey, it is poetry 😀). I'm not sure that it's always true that "good things come to those who wait," but sometimes some stuff comes!

I Will Never Get Over It

People gave me what they thought was good advice: to give myself time to grieve and to get over the death of my only child. I am never going to get over Anne’s death. I realize that now.  I understand why people said it and I appreciate the impulse they had to be sympathetic and helpful. I tried to get over it but, well, just no. It won’t happen. I will never stop missing her. I will never stop second-guessing and wondering ”what if.” I’ve accepted that fact. But I also realize that I need to do things other than mourn. 

Specifically, I need to get back to writing. I’m not sure why that’s been so hard. Friends seem to think that getting back to work will be good for me. They could be right. I do know that at some point I have to start writing again, so perhaps that point should be now. So here goes. I won’t get over it but maybe I can get on with it.

My Worst Day Ever

It was my worst day ever and I am still living it. It began at 3:00 AM on May 18 with a call from a hospital. My daughter was in the ICU. She had called 911 and gone out to wait on her apartment steps for the ambulance but when they arrived she was unconscious. Her heart stopped and it took them forty-five minutes to restart it.  She never regained consciousness. 

What happened was cardiac arrest, caused, I think, by a pulmonary embolism. Yes, she smoked. She told us she had stopped but I guess kids of whatever age always lie to their parents about some things. (Except, of course, I never did. Right.) The clinical details are important but not the most important thing. Life is short, yes, but it wasn’t supposed to be that short. Children are “not supposed” to die before their parents. I lost my beloved child and the world lost a creative and caring and funny soul.

I tried to talk to her in the hospital. She was unconscious and in massive organ failure but I tried. I tried to feel her spirit nearby but that failed, too. We were in the room with her when she died. Since then I’ve been hollow. I do a fair job of pretending to be human, or at least I think I’m doing a fair job. That my daughter was an adult and living on her own does not make her loss any easier to bear. Some people seem to think so, and it is simpler to hide the grief and the guilt. Yes, guilt. Parents always, apparently, think there were things they could have done to alter events. Some things never change.

My own life seems to have stopped. I am doing things that need to be done after a death: funeral home, lawyer, cleaning out her apartment, writing her obituary, adopting her three cats. Since we already had two cats we now have five. Yikes. 

I know I need to get back to work. I woke up the other day with her voice in my head saying, “Mom. Just write the book, Mom.”  I’d like to but so far I just can’t. What I want to do is call her up and make outrageous puns with her. Maybe she could give me a call some early morning in my dreams and we could goof around.